#the other half wants to lie here forever and wait til i go numb

[bokuwadekinaiko]

cw post / tags. sorry

i don't even know if i have the words

to express this

she's gone

and its all my fault

[jboofan]

The River where the Moon Rises

She told him she would meet him there, at the river where the moon rises. In his heart Jungkook knows one day she will come.

Chapter 4

Joe-ra blinked hard at the clock behind her. Another late night in the Big Hit studio and another hit song coming she was sure. She had no lyrics for this song just yet, but she had woken from her sleep humming a tune and remembered dancing to it in her dream. She'd hummed it again until she recorded the loose rhythm and had been holed up in the studio every night since.

It was always the same story; most if not all an evening well after closing she'd make her way to the building. She'd nearly been discovered one time when someone had left their bag in the same practice room as her, and after that she waited til late before making her way there. The guards knew who she was, and once in, she made her way to the studio that was always booked under an alias.

Sound proof and safe she was able to record backing tracks of her next album, one she never knew the release date for, but being in the studio let her work on music and visualisation. Maybe she was delusional or overly positive but she hoped that somehow her voice would come back. Too much googling on the subject hadn't done anything to alleviate her fears but keeping some sort of routine anchored her for now. She'd worked her whole life to be a singer, made it and then lost it all.

Perks of a well off family afforded her every hobby she wanted, after music it would be dance. Whether hip hop, jazz, tap or ballet she loved every form. Earphones on, ballet shoes on, to keep limber she'd practice old routines, modify some to newer music or on a bad day she would simply lie on the floor staring at the ceiling. Sometimes grief overtook anything, and lying there silently crying was what she did best.

Knowing for a fact that no one was there to disturb her, it wasn't difficult to visualise the choreography she wanted, even if she couldn't sing the lyrics. Joe-ra always felt the music through dance and it allowed her mental blocks to ease away. Dancing melted away her stress but tonight nothing was doing the trick.

Realising it was a full moon tonight in a wintry Seoul made her way alone to Cheonggyecheon Stream to soothe her soul. Every Saturday she could manage, Joe-ra pulled her coat closer to herself as she watched the almost frozen stream. Eyes closed she listened to the trickle of the water push against the crackle of ice shards as it travelled down the man made stream. The place was usually desserted, and she was pretty sure she'd be in trouble if her manager found her out here so late, alone but none of that ever seemed to matter in the moment.

The picturesque views made a small smile bubble to the surface of her mouth as she took in the twinkling lights, as the sun came into view across a hazy Seoul sky. Joe-ra's memories somehow pulled her back briefly to that night of crazy intense almost mythical sex in that club, promising she would keep in touch, even bravely mentioned that she would meet him here; close to the Cheonggyecheon Stream Steps. But then everything changed.

Joe-ra stared off into the distance. Would he have turned up? She'd dropped her phone soon after and lost a whole bunch of messages, and found when she was ready to speak to him that she couldn't. Oh what cruel irony! She'd played the scenario over and over in her head. Would she have been able to tell him she couldn't speak? Would he have wanted to stay if he had known?

Forlorn of hope, her eyes found the moon. It's large silvery grey figure hovered high in the sky reflected in the ice below.

Ass now numb from having sat there so long alone on the same stone step, and heart feeling colder, Joe-ra willed her legs awake, rubbing her jeans to warm herself up, as she dusted herself off and made her way towards finding a taxi to take her back to the studios.

Sitting amongst the stone steps allowed her to clear her mind, that or run away to her grandmother's home in the country. She struggled to remember the last time she had gone to see her mother's family but now wasn't the time for thinking. It was time to go home, sleep and forget everything.

Jungkook watched a heavily coated woman wait nearby, usually around the same times as he usually did. She was here late today though, not that it mattered to him; she sat back, staring up at the full moon tonight, she was near enough he could see some reflection of the moon upon her face. She was soon up on her feet and getting ready to walk away.

Tonight it was emptier than usual, most likely down to how cold it was, it seemed only him and that woman had made the journey out. He blinked back heavily, his head was full of haziness and he stopped feeling the cold hours ago.

Everyone ignored each other and that was fine with him. No following cameras, no bright lights, screaming fans or struggles with privacy. But his usual late night friend across the stream was leaving and he felt lonely again.

Guess I'm not the only lonely person in this city he told himself, staring mindlessly into the stream a little longer before eventually heading back to the dorm.

Joe-ra walked towards the subway entrance, the walk along the steps wasn't long. She'd noticed the same guy sitting on the opposite side as she always did but he never bothered her, therefore she had no reason to pay him too much heed. She had to cross over the walkway to reach the exit, and the one on his side was closer.

An empty bottle of soju rolled across from the man, as he groaned loudly.

Ignoring him and wanting to simply get home to her warm bed, rubbing her hands together Joe-ra kept walking. The guy's groans were getting louder and it was getting more difficult to ignore him. Then she heard it.

A loud sob escaped him as he fell over several empty bottles at his feet, beginning to wobble now as he tried to steady himself. She walked away stopping near a wall. Damn her conscience. Why wasn't she walking away?

Swearing inward for possessing a shred of courtesy to the rest of the human race, and against her better judgement Joe-ra carefully thought about walking back across the stepping stones linking both banks of the stream toward him and running away.

Jungkook was sure he was drunk out of his mind. He should have stopped himself from reaching for that first bottle, let alone the fifth and then the sixth; but lately his heart just felt so heavy he didn't know how to handle it. Eyes seeing double vision, face firmly on the ground he blinked hard as a pair of black heeled boots walked ever closer towards him.

Oh shit don't let it be the police. Or Nam Joon, please be the police over Nam-joon he sobbed again, half drunk but fully wallowing in his own self pity.

Joe-ra reached in her pocket for a tissue. The idea of touching anyone made her skin want to shrivel up, and she most certainly wasn't going to touch some random drunk. Sighing as she realised she had none, Joe-ra pushed her hand into her coat and used the sleeve to try and paw at him to try pull back his hood with no success.

Getting as close to his face without being too near, Joe-ra studied his face. Nope no idea who this was. She gasped as she saw two full ears with rows of earrings.

A smaller but colder hand moved his hoodie off his face, kneeled down beside him and picked his hair out of his eyes delicately.

Joe-ra sighed. This poor guy's eyes were almost sadder than hers.

Jungkook couldn't see who this stranger was, but they were awfully quiet in their actions. No swearing or shouting. Just sitting him upright, moving his mask carefully which was pathetically hanging off one ear off and brushing it free of the dirt.

Joe-ra couldn't believe her luck. Of all the drunk shits to have stumbled upon, it had to be one of her father's employees. In the most famous band since forever, swaying from side to side and mumbling some rubbish she couldn't uncipher.

Pulling her jumper sleeve out further, she cleaned his face gently of loose grit and stone. His eyes were closed, a small restful smile on his face as her hands moved across his skin, a clean sleeve dabbed his moist eyelids carefully.

Joe-ra moved away a moment, her knees starting to hurt but his arm shot out and grabbed her leg making her wobble and grab his head to stop herself falling.

She shook her head. "Man, I do not want to be you when Nam-joon sees you," she wanted to say, but instead tutted at him, head shaking.

Jungkook sat on the ground holding onto her waist tightly, head against her stomach.

Fighting him off didn't seem to do anything. His grip was solid like someone was trying to take his favourite toy away from him. Nestled against her and getting comfortable he wasn't budging.

Giving up and lowering her head over him, Joe-ra found his hands and held them in hers. After a few minutes Jungkook held them back, realising it was still her hands, and she managed to eventually help him to his feet.

Two cold hands grabbed Jungkook's face and made it stop from falling side to side. Satisfied that his eyeballs were no longer going to roll back, but still very aware that the sun was now going to be rising fast; and with it other people had Joe-ra worried that they would be caught.

Needing to hail a taxi and fast, Joe-ra thanked the submissively drunk that was Jungkook for not struggling or causing a fuss. She held out her hand and he took it. They walked slowly but surely along the walkway, as they reached the steps.

Joe-ra held his warm hand and climbed a few steps, but he suddenly stopped moving. Sleepily he managed a half step suddenly falling on her, causing her to scrape an exposed knee across a step, as his whole weight fell into her back.

Her eyes rolling back in pain, knowing trying to scream out loud would have had no use, Joe-ra resisted the urge to smack him hard instead hitting him in the chest and letting go of his hand in frustration.

Try and do something decent and get injured for it.

Pulling herself upright again and really wanting to push him down the stairs herself, Joe-ra walked off, dusting her hands off.

"Dasi tteona jima," he looked at her drunk and upset. Don't leave me again he kept repeating to her as she realised holding her hand out of his reach made him look around for her and walk towards her. "Why do you keep wanting to leave," he mumbled, "I said I'd come, be here. Stay with you. Why did it take you so long to come? I waited. I missed you. I missed you," he told her sadly, his hands grabbed her face and apologised.

"Mianhe," he hugged her tightly on the steps, afraid to fall she grabbed onto the side rail and him with the other. "I knew you would come. In my heart, I knew you would come. I didn't mean to drink so much," he sniffed, "don't go. I want to show you to them. You're real. And I knew you would come."

Totally confused, and starting to feel sorry for whatever heartbreak he seemed to be going through, she awkwardly patted his back and moved away. Holding out her hand he climbed the steps one by one to hold hers.

Joe-ra used this unorthodox method until they were able to find a taxi, and she literally shoved him into the back of a cab, pulling his hoodie over his head even lower as the taxi driver gave them stand looks.

Clearing her throat and holding out her phone for the plaza location he nodded and turned back to pull away.

A warm hand felt across the seat, found her fingertips, pulling her hand next to his as he tried to pocket her fingers into his jacket. "Jagi, you have such cold hands. I need to give you gloves," he pulled her closer to him, "I need to look after you. Then you won't leave," he snuggled her hands in his. "Cold hands," he kept mumbling as she tried her best to contain her anger at him. Reaching over and pulling his seat belt over him, Joe-ra was sure he even giggled? For someone that Nam-joon had described as a shy muscle bunny, he sure was talkative when he was drunk.

Her finger hovered over Nam-joon's name, she should tell him who she found, but they were nearly home now, and if she was honest she wasn't sure how he was going to react, and worse she get in trouble for being somewhere she shouldn't be.

She stopped. It wasn't like she had done anything wrong so why was she afraid? But if her father found out? Shit she was not ready to even comprehend what would happen if he found out one of his golden boys was getting up no good. She couldn't be associated with that.

His head rolled forward and she cupped it in time and pushed out back. Jungkook held her hands and snuggled into her neck causing her to awkwardly try and strain away from him. She was gonna have to boiled herself when she got home.

Eyes now rolling, she sat as far from him as she could, giving up when his big head kept flipping back and forth as they moved through morning traffic.

"Are you awake? I need your help 148." She typed it quickly hoping he would see it.

Mouth dry as they approached home, Joe-ra was desperate to unbuckle him and get him out the taxi as quickly as she could.

Narrowly avoiding the doorman she managed to get him into the lift where he was adamant he now lie down and sleep.

Punching their floor as hard as her fingers could she had to get him to their private floor to avoid any other residents, the image of her father absolutely pissed off at her actions spurred her on to wildly punch the number until the doors closed.

A quick side glance told her the idiot was still awake and Joe-ra let out a massive sigh as the doors opened to their floor and it was just them. The silence was unnerving, as was the way he wasn't letting go of her hand.

Refusing to leave the lift, Joe-ra kicked him in the ass and he was starting to focus again.

"Are we home my jagi?" he slurred again, enraging her even more. He watched her slender figure impatiently tapping her foot and reached out her hand to him.

"Baby, Oppa missed you," Jungkook grabbed her arm and slid a hand over her shoulder and turned to face her, pulling her into a tight hug. "I missed you so much," he sniffed, hitting his chest, "it hurt so much."

Jungkook hastily pulled his mask off and held her face closely. Big eyes startled and surprised stared back at his.

"Baby," he asked her softly, "did you miss me? Did you think of me?" his voice cracked.

What was that saying about drunks and honest answers? And why did his touch feel not sleazy for use of a better word? Why did she have so much food still in her fridge?

Random thoughts drifted out of her mind as Joe-ra, in the lights saw just how shit faced Jungkook was. Definitely not the same dude gracing the TV, this guy was so drunk and no amount of good looks could mask how pathetic he looked before, or heartbroken now.

Joe-ra nodded her head woodenly.

Jungkook perked up, so happy at her answer. "You did?!" he kissed her cheek. "I'm so soft for you. Don't tell the others." He stared at her until she nodded again.

Jungkook allowed the pretty lady to tuck his hair behind his ear, smiling at the intimate skinship. Reluctantly moving a hand under his jacket and feeling for his waistband Joe-ra yanked on his belt to grab hold of something in case he suddenly started going sideways again.

Groaning under his weight the walk to his apartment opposite to hers seemed never ending. Confident they were no longer about to be found out, Joe-ra let out her breath, and was prepared to drag him by the ankles to the front door if she needed to.

Patting his face to wake him from his stupor she pointed to the digital keypad, hoping he would somehow know his combination to get in. Several minutes of just staring at it and groaning had her ring the doorbell several times hoping someone was in to take this fucker off her hands.

**

Incessant rings of the doorbell woke the guys from their sleep. It was never a good thing to be woken that early especially when their manager wasn't due for another few hours.

Jin, a light sleeper, had the misfortune of opening the door. Before the eldest could get a word out, Nam-joon no longer in his dressing gown but shorts and a t-shirt was rushing toward the shoe rack to grab shoes and check on her.

Unfortunately it was just at the same time as Joe-ra stumbled through the door with Jungkook.

"What the fu—" came a voice, and even Joe-ra knew shit was gonna hit the fan now.

Arm drooping over her, Jin helped walk Jungkook to the kitchen table, the nearest place he could sit himself down.

Nam-joon looked at Joe-ra and then Jungkook as she tried to loosen his vice like grip from her hand. Joe-ra felt Nam-joon's angry face staring into the back of her head.

"Ah," the only sound she could roll as she yanked on her arm free of a sleeping drunk who somehow still wasn't letting go. Whimpering as she rubbed her elbow as it smacked on the table.

Joe-ra's head was pulsing as she realised the magnitude of the situation and to be fair, she didn't really need to be hanging around to witness it. Not when she saw how angry Nam-joon was.

Standing awkwardly with his jacket in her free hand, she made eye contact with Nam-joon as the others slowly made their way into the living room area. Instinctively she held out her free hand to Nam-joon to free her from the drunk mess but she quickly recoiled on noticing that vein in his forehead popping. She knew that look, he was gonna blow and kill them all.

Jimin was trying to not freak out as they watched Nam-joon's eyes start to bulge and slowly turn wide, as J-Hope desperately did his best to wake up their drunk friend, slapping his face repeatedly.

"Ya, pabo wake up," Hope tried to shake free Joe-ra's arm, looking at Joe-ra and apologising for Jungkook but Jungkook had held on for dear life.

"No she's mine," he sniffed now grabbing her with the other hand pulling her into a hug. "I've missed you jagi."

"Um, are we missing something here? He really has a girlfriend?" Jin asked shocked.

Eyes massive now, Joe-ra struggled against him, trying to hold out her hand to anyone that would grab it, as her friend neared. She knew the sibling code, you don't date your brother's friends and she definitely wasn't.

Nam-joon squared in on Jungkook and it really did look like he was going to lunge at the youngest when Joe-ra spotted it and grabbed his arm haphazardly and tried to pull him away for fear of being injured in the crossfire.

As much as Jungkook was still heavily drunk, Nam-joon getting so vexed wasn't going to help right now.

"How? When—" he spoke in English, Nam-joon's anger wasn't letting him get a word out. "Ya," he roared, hands on his waist, trying to digest the situation, "where—" he pointed fingers at them again.

"Why is our yeppeun neighbour here so early? And why is Kookie hugging her?" Suga had arrived in his pyjamas as he read the tense room, in his usual deadpan voice.

"Anneaseyo," he spotted her and gave her a polite nod.

"Um, hyung, isn't that our neighbour?" Taehyung answered confused. "I thought she was Kookie's girlfriend. Our neighbour is his girlfriend? I thought she was American?"

"That," Nam-joon laughed angrily, "is my sister."

[mother-snake]

photograph

(hello there!  I’m not quite sure if this will end up working as planned but I’m going to hopefully write something with small bounds of fluff and super angst. Sorry for anything that may make you emotional) warning: angst, drinking, major character death, tears, mourning (tell me if i need to add more here pls!)

I will say that this will hopefully be a tear jerker.

-Janus reflects back on everything that lead him to where he was, standing in between the subconscious and the mind palace. He hopes that the others can one day learn to forgive him for all he has done to hurt them-

Janus glanced around the commons. Everyone was busy doing things. To help Thomas. He had just gotten home from a busy day at school> Logan was filing away all that he had learned.

Romulus was busy giving Thomas ideas of what he could do later today. Patton was keeping him out of trouble.

Anger was trying to keep himself distracted from something Patton had said.

Anxiety was keeping Thomas alert as normal.

 It was the shift in the air that made everyone look at the screen that projected all that Thomas was seeing. His mother was standing over him with a scowl.

Patton had quickly filled them in. Thomas had sneaked a cookie earlier and had now been caught. Patton wanted to fess up the truth. But he didn’t have time.

Janus quickly began to talk. Giving Thomas the tools to escape the situation. “say that it wasn’t you, but one of your brothers.”

 Everyone sighed as the situation fizzled down. But not before his mother said something that would be a catalyst to every event to happen in the future. “you better not be lying young man; you know that��s its wrong.”

Thomas muttered something, conniving his mum that it couldn’t have been him.

 Everyone in the room froze at her words. But on one was in more shock or disarray than the self-preservation.

He didn’t even realize he had been crying until he felt a pair of arms wrap around himself. Soon a tilde wave of tears was pouring from his eyes.

The smell of fresh berries made him know that the figure who was holding him was Romulus.

Then, another pair of hands were hugging him. They were holding on tight.

 He stood their crying for another ten minutes. exhausted and emotional. He wasn’t doing wrong by lying, was he? He was protecting Thomas. Right?

--

 Janus smiled at the memory as he sat alone in the dark sides communal area. He was the final one. The last dark side.

A half empty bottle of wine sat next to him in his position of tucked away in the corner of the room. He had been there for two weeks now.

The face that they didn’t need to eat giving him barely any life in his system.

 To anyone who walked in the room. They would be able to smell the alcohol that he had. They would look at him and think that he could have been a corpse.

Pale skin, deep bags under his sunken eyes that no longer held any sign of joy or happiness.

 He had been around since the beginning. Second oldest. And the most alone he had ever been. Virgil left; Remus left. Orange… orange was gone. And here he was.

 Sitting in the dark. Waiting to be called a villain. Waiting for someone to insult his name and scales.

He smiled weakly… he supposed he was always the villain. Intentionally or not…

He took a small sip from the bottle. Numbing his feelings as best as he could.

  Loving can hurt Loving can hurt sometimes But it's the only thing that I know When it gets hard You know it can get hard sometimes It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

 They hadn’t been having a good week. Thomas was in the final years of school. Ever since that one small incident years ago. Things had quickly changed.

One being the fact he now had scales. That the colors he once loved were now monochrome. That his left eye no longer functioned. His fangs occasionally caused his lips to bleed.

 He had begun to spend more and more time away from the others. The more he was surround them. The more he could taste the lies. That they weren’t scared of him. That they loved his scales. They were bitter on the tongue. And his heart only cried out in pain with each lie they spoke. Not knowing he already knew.

 So that’s how he found himself cooped up in his room for the third day in a row. No one had come to lure him out. He was aware of the occasional times that anxiety would sit down by his door. He wouldn’t speak but it was enough for him to know that someone was there. That at least he still had his younger brother.

 But right now, that wasn’t the case. A loud growl erupted from his stomach. He pushed himself over to face the alarm on the side of the desk. That lay on the other side of the room. Ah, it was morning.

 He pushed himself up and out of the bed and over to the door that lead to the very bright hall. only when he opened the door. He was met with a very dark shade of grey. He turned to look down. Two other doors were placed in the hall.

He could eliminate Patton’s though. None of them were smothered with stickers.

 He made his way over to the first door and gave a couple small taps. Movement from the other side could be heard before the door opened to reveal anxiety.

He looked at the deceitful side with confusion. “something’s happened. Look at the hall,” he muttered nervously.

 And so, he looked past the other to see that the hall had changed. “do you know who’s door that is?” “angers. So, I take it you don’t know what has happened then?”

He shook his head. He really wished he had a single clue.

 Then he felt it. An absolute searing pain splitting through his skull. He dropped down to his knees and screamed in pure pain.

The noise he made must have been loud enough cause anger burst out his door and turned to face the scaled side who was curling up on the floor crying out in pain. Tugging on his hair and digging his nails into his scalp.

 It was another five minuets of whatever happened before he passed out in pain.

  He awoke in his room. A dull throbbing coming from his head. He was on something soft… a bed? But the last thing he remembered was being on the cold floor?

 He opened his eyes and winced at the bright light that flooded his vision. But it was blocked by three figures.

 When his vision finally focused, he could easily identify anxiety and anger. But the other he couldn’t tell. “scales isn’t dead!” he cheered.

“who?” “my name is Remus! I’m the best half of Thomas’s imagination.”

 It hit him like a ton of bricks. “wait… what happened to Romulus,” he whispered.

No one responded immediately, “I split in two! Thomas didn’t like his more realistic thoughts so he split us in two!”

--

 That was the day Remus had joined them and the day he had lost his best friend. But Remus still seemed to like him. over the course of time he had quickly realized that the other hadn’t been afraid of his scales. He remembered that on his days that he would lock himself away, the other would bash down his door and cuddle his feelings away.

 But he wasn’t here anymore. He hated him. There was nothing he could think about that could ever fix what he had destroyed. Shattered. A friendship that was supposed to be unbreakable. And it fell apart when he had lashed out at the others brother.

He was a fool. He was nothing but a villain. We keep this love in a photograph We made these memories for ourselves Where our eyes are never closing Hearts are never broken Times forever frozen still

Thomas was in high school now. Virgillius or Virgil as he liked to be called; had been pushed farther than his limits could allow as anxiety and had slowly morphed into paranoia. Remus was thriving in the environment.

Orpheus had been in his room for a long time and it was starting to get Janus nervous. He was one of the few that would spend as little time inside his room as possible.

 So, when he woke up one morning and saw a door missing, he mediately began to panic and banged on the others door. When they had realized what had got him in such a panic, they were clearly in distress as well. He was middle child out of everyone. But he was still a child none the less.

 It had been two weeks. And nothing had changed. Well… much. Thomas was still angry, just not as much as he used to be. And that was when it hit them like a ton of bricks. He was gone.

Not missing, not with the light sides, Orpheus was dead, faded. And nothing was going to be able to bring him back.

 A side shaped hole appeared in their small group that day. Fear was also deeply rooted into them. “I want to make a promise,” Remus began, “that no matter what happens. No matter what we say, we stick together. If there is a chance, we could meet the same fate, then we can try and protect each other.”

Virgil and Janus smiled and nodded. “the I agree to do the same.” “me too.”

“come on, virgin and anus, you’re going to make me cry,”

 They hugged and didn’t let go. Not for hours.

--

 That was a promise he took seriously. He had never forgotten what had been said.

But he knew the other two had. That or they didn’t care about him anymore. A blank feeling spread in his heart. One that was sorrowful and painful. He hated it, he wanted it to go away and never come back.

 He let a few stray tears fall as he shakily stood up. using the wall to support himself.

He was barely able to keep himself standing. He needed to get to this destination. Cause as soon as he did… well… the villain of their story would be no more.

That thought caused a shaky smile.

So you can keep me Inside the pocket Of your ripped jeans Holdin' me closer 'Til our eyes meet You won't ever be alone Wait for me to come home

 Five years ago. That’s when he started to lose Virgil. He had gone to the others as a spy of sorts. Gather information and make his presence known.

No one had made it easy… but the more and more he went. The more he seemed to change. His paranoia slowly draining. He was becoming anxiety once again. As happy as he was for the other, that he was no longer overworking. He was worried.

 He had started locking himself in his room. And then one day… Thomas began to act in ways that didn’t make sense. it was no secret that he needed Virgil to play his part. With Virgil being his fight or flight. He had to feed small lies to Thomas. He was his self-preservation.

So, when Thomas stopped listening to that part of him… he began to get scared. That he had tuned him out.

 Then… then Thomas was suddenly back to normal. He had been in his room when he felt the shift.

 When he opened the door… a small part of him became crushed. Where an apparently (he couldn’t tell) purple door should have been was a wall. And a small part of him knew why. The other side had been accepted as a light. His baby brother was gone. He was with the light sides.

 When he reentered his room a few days later, he found a black hoodie neatly folded on the middle of his bed.

He didn’t take it of for a month straight.

--

 He was wearing it now. It had lost his scent of coffee and cinnamon. It had lost it for a year now.

The destination still quite far away. He summoned his cane. a neon green bow was there. An old sash…

He took his gaze of it. Pulling one of the loose pieces and placing it on the communal sofa.

He gingerly peeled away the black hoodie. The bowler hat on his and his cape joined the pile. He would have left the cane as well if he didn’t need it to walk right now.

 He summoned a piece of paper and began to shakily write. He placed the paper on top of the objects and began to hobble to his next destination. Loving can heal Loving can mend your soul And it's the only thing that I know (know) I swear it will get easier Remember that with every piece of ya And it's the only thing we take with us when we die

 He rose up. he had done it. he had revealed himself. He stood still for a couple seconds.

Remus was standing there grinning away to the other.

He had seen it go down. But he had been there he knew of his existence. He had begun to ask himself if he was a good person… this was the start.

 It was months later before he made his next appearance in the courtroom. He had been so close to victory. Of getting Thomas to finally do something. But god forsaken morality… its always him. He had been the one Thomas listened to the most.

This was a perfect example of why that was a bad thing.

He had been so close. If princy would have just admitted that he wanted to go to the call back and pushed against Patton. They may have actually succeeded.

 He took of his hat and sat down on the sofa. Remus was busy in the mind scape as of right now. Then he had the thought.

He quickly sent a wave of emergency over to the other side in hopes he would come for at least a minuet.

“what you need double dee?” “Thomas wants to be more honest with himself.”

“and what does that have to do with me?” “you’re the most honest person I know. I think it’s time he learned what can happen when he wants to be completely honest.”

 Remus let a wild smile appear on his face. Janus smiling as well, this may cause some issues. But he was sure that Remus could try and set him somewhat straight.

--

If he had known that the small conversation between Remus and the others would end up with him being an accepted part of Thomas. He doesn’t think he would have sent the other.

And it’s been just him since then.

The green sash had been given to him before the conversation. He wondered if Remus knew what was going to happen would take place.

 He grew closer to his destination.

We keep this love in a photograph We made these memories for ourselves Where our eyes are never closing Hearts were never broken Times forever frozen still

 He sunk out and re appeared in the dark space. He had told them his name… he had compared roman to Remus… he had called his best friend evil.

He let out a choked sob and collapsed to the ground. Oh god… what was wrong with him.

‘did you forget that he’s evil?!’

Those words had been like knives in his heart. He didn’t want to be the villain… who wants to be the villain?

 Why did he have to have the scales? Why did he have to have the messed up eye? Why couldn’t he see color like he once did when he was a naïve child?

He wished he could take back all he had said. But it was too late now, wasn’t it?

 Three weeks later and he had slowly begun to change. He wore different clothing, wanting to look friendly. He tried to change his attitude. He tried so hard.

Then he felt that familiar pull and he followed it to the place next to Logan where he seemed to be appearing more often now.

“Janus?” Thomas looked perplexed at his new look.

 He had a long-sleeved yellow top and plain black jeans. It was plain compared to his usual dramatic appearance.

“what do you need today Thomas,” he stared blankly at the other.

 The conversation went on from there. Virgil hadn’t been to happy with him. Remus glared daggers at him. Patton had looked over to see if he was okay a couple times and Logan looked concerned. But you would have to look close to see it.

“okay, since no one else is asking. What are you up to deceit,” Virgil growled, “no one. Especially you shows up without some sort of plan. So, what is it.”

He had taken a couple seconds to process what had been said before he realized his plan of changing his clothing had been thrown out the window. He clearly didn’t trust the fact that he was changing his attitude either. “I can assure you Virgil, I’m not planning anything.” “an how can I trust what you say? How can I trust what you say when you consistently lie.” “you don’t. you don’t have to trust me, I never asked you too. So, I don’t expect you to. Not after everything I’ve done.”

His response was met with silence. Virgil just stared at the other with wide eyes.

“seeing as I am clearly not wanted, I shall take my leave. And Remus? Can you tell your brother I’m sorry, I have a feeling he doesn’t want to see me.”

 He left without another word. And that had been the last time he had seen any of them.

--

The door came into view. It was a sleek black. He could tell even with his color blindness.

It opened with a click. He pushed it open as best as he could and made his way into the black abyss. There were grey swirls moving around almost like mist in a windy day…

 His legs gave out under him. He had spent too much energy.

Then…his vision began to flicker. He let his tears pour as purples, blues, reds and greens swirld around in the once grey mist.

At least he could die knowing he had seen something beautiful;

one.

Last.

Time. So you can keep me Inside the pocket Of your ripped jeans Holdin' me closer 'Til our eyes meet You won't ever be alone

 He smiled as he saw his body slowly dissolving into a white ash. His final thoughts being one of peace. He was finally free…

After all… who would save the villain?

And like that… he was no more.

And if you hurt me That's OK, baby, only words bleed Inside these pages you just hold me And I won't ever let you go

 Logan had been standing with the others when he felt a searing pain erupt in his chest causing him to collapse and scream in pure pain.

Thomas had been caught off guard by what had happened. it had taken ten minutes for the pain to die down. By which time Logan had fallen unconscious form the pain.

 Remus scanned the room. Everyone was there except one person. “timothy, can you summon deceit for us?” “yeah, may I ask why?” “something similar happened to him when we were younger and I want to know if this is similar,”

He saw Thomas trying to summon the other. But nothing happened. And then dread set in like wet cement hardening. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one with the knowing feeling.

His head snapped over to Virgil. He was sitting on the stairs. They had both remembered that day. And several thoughts danced through their head.

“looks like were taking a trip to the dark side,” Virgil mumbled as he shakily stood up. the adrenaline rush slowing from his thoughts making his legs weak. “what do you mean? Is something wrong with Janus?” Patton asked worriedly. “ the last time this happened. It happened to Janus. Orange, your anger faded.” Remus said to Thomas. “what.” Patton gasped along with roman.

“can we go, Thomas we need you to take us there.” “okay. What do I need to do?” Wait for me to come home Wait for me to come home Wait for me to come home Wait for me to come home

The first thing that hit their noses was the slight smell of alcohol radiating from a couple wine bottles that sat neatly on a table.

The first thing they saw was a room that looked like a storm had blown over a several stacks of paper. Virgil kneeled down and looked at the paper. It was old drawing from when they were children. Crudely drawn figures. But it was easy to identify the figures.

“heh, he really did keep them all, didn’t he?” Remus laughed.

“um guys? I think you might want to see this.” Thomas yelled as he stood by the dining table near the back of the room.

Everyone came over and started with wide eyes. Remus’s old sash, Virgil’s old hoodie. A cape and bowler hat on the pile. The rim of the hat holding a neatly folded letter.

Oh you can fit me Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen Next to your heartbeat Where I should be Keep it deep within your soul

 Dear anyone who cares,

I know I’m not wanted. No one mourns the villain. Sorry to whoever had to deal with the pain. I would have left my staff but things happened and I went with it.

I’m sorry for hurting you all. I’m sorry you had to put up with me. Lying is wrong after all. I haven’t ducked out. There was a room I came across long ago. One I hoped none of you would ever find. And you didn’t. Thomas will still feel my effects. But I won’t be there as a physical manifestation anymore. Ill simply be a function. Nothing more.

Thanks for putting up with me

-the villain. And if you hurt me Well, that's OK, baby, only words bleed Inside these pages you just hold me And I won't ever let you go

The scream that came from Remus was painful to listen to. Not because of the loudness. But because of the pain that filled it.

The anguish that filled the loud noise. He had lost his best friend… he had lost his best friend… he had…. He… he cried louder. His brother wrapped his arms around as he let loose a couple of his own tears. Regretting any words, he had ever said to the other side that no longer was here.

Virgil stood there numbly remembering the last thing he had ever said to the other. It had been so long ago… but it felt like a bleeding wound that would never close. He had lost his big brother. The one who had kept his drawings. Helped him through panic attacks. Helped him when he couldn’t sleep. and he could thank him for all he had done.

He felt Patton latch onto him as small trickled down his cheeks… he couldn’t even say sorry.

 Thomas stood there not knowing what to do. A vicious amount of guilt latched onto him. His knees buckled as he fell to the ground holding onto deceits hat. Tears burst like water coming from a faulty pipe.

He had lost a friend. Sure, they hadn’t been close. But he knew the other well enough. he wished he could have properly accepted him as a part of himself like he could have Remus and Virgil.

Logan was numb. He didn’t move. He didn’t blink. In that moment he wished he could have felt something instead of the emptiness that filled him.

They stayed there for a small while longer. Not leaving eahothers side.

When I'm away I will remember how you kissed me Under the lamppost Back on 6th street Hearing you whisper through the phone "Wait for me to come home"

They mourned for their friend.

[rosesinmars]

Someone You Loved|Rook + Colson x reader imagine

- Princess! — Rookie shouted, when he got home and saw you lying on the couch in the living room.

- Rookie! — you whimpered when he jumped on you remaining laid over your body.

You were literally doing nothing. The tv was off, and you were just listening to some music. Slim and Baze were both in their own rooms, and Rookie and Colson were out until now. Not that the last one mattered that much, or at least you tried to convinced yourself that way.

‘I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me’

While you were trying to fight your own way out under Rook, Colson passed by you two straight to his bedroom, his new girlfriend right by his side. He didn't even cared to look at you for a second, and you would be lying if you said that doesn't hurt.

‘This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy’

- Blow him. — Rook said, noticing the look in your face. — He's being a totally jerk with you. Want me to kick is fine ass?

‘I need somebody to heal’

Colson, you and Rook were the perfect partners in crime since  you could ever remember. Both of them were your best friends, you had an amazing connection with both of the boys and you wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. But for what it seems, not everyone thinks the same way, or feel, as far as you could say.

Ever since Colson started to date with his new slut, your trio went down to two, and the blonde boy... well he wouldn't talk to you, actually he barely would land his eyes on your. It was like you became invisible to him, and that hurt like hell.

‘I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug. I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved’

Rookie otherwise got closer and closer to me. You were barely inseparable, and he himself had already confronted Colson about his attitudes towards you.

- What would I do without you, Rookie. — you gave him a little smile, and he pulled me into a bear hug, placing you on his lap.

‘I guess I kinda like the way you numb all the pain’

- Hey, wanna go to my room and watch some netflix and cuddle? — he proposed with a soft smile.

- Always. — you said and he carried you upstairs to his room.

You stayed there while Rook went to the kitchen to do some popcorns so you two could watch a movie properly. Meanwhile you were searching in his dresser for a t-shirt of him for you to dress and be more comfortable. When you finally found one, you took out your pants, and then your top, and you heard the bedroom's door open when you were half way dressing Rook's shirt.

- Rookie please tell me that you didn't burnt the popcorn agai- — you started but soon stoped as you saw that it wasn't Rook on the door but Colson.

His eyes ran you up and down watching you in Rook's clothes, and you couldn't exactly read the emotions on his face. Colson soon hurried himself to start to close the door and go away, but you shout.

- What the fuck Colson? What is wrong with you?

He stood there, in place, but his eyes far from yours.

- I guess that's going to be like that, right? No talk. I thought we were fucking friends Kells. — you said, using the nickname that not-so-close-people to him called him, and this way you got him to look at you with hurt all written on his face. — Don't fucking stare at me like I fucking hurt you Kells, you were the one placing the cards on the table, now deal with your own damned game! Go run to your new bitch, but don't you fucking dare to run back to me when you get bored of her or when she breaks your heart! — you shouted with tears already running from your eyes.

‘For now the day bleeds into nightfall, and you're not here to get me through it all’

Rook entered the room, passing through Colson and rushing to you, wrapping his harms around you as to try to protect you from the whole world, and you closed your eyes falling in his embrace.

‘And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes. I fall into your arms, I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around’

- Get out, Colson! — he demanded, and you had a last look at his broken expression before he left the room. — I'm here babe, forget about that prick.

- Rookie I don't want to get in between the friendship of you two. — you said, sobbing. — I don't want you to take a side, mainly if it's mine.

- Chill princess, I will deal with that bastard later. — the drummer said. — He doesn't deserve your love, he was no rights to treat my babe like this!

- Your babe? — you whispered. You had lost track of times that Rook had treated you with sweet nicknames, but joined it with 'his', that was something completely new.

- I mislead myself, it was a small mistake... I... — Rookie struggled with his words, and still in his harms, you cupped one of his cheeks and connected your lips with his, fearing how he would react.

For your own happiness, Rook instantly tightened his harms around you, losing his hands in your hair.

‘I guess I kinda like the way you help me escape’

- I hope that's still okay with you about the cuddle's session tonight. — you said when you two broke the kiss.

- More than okay, princess. — he answered with a silly smile, that you copied. — My princess.

And with that, he dragged you to the bed.

.°♫♫.°

It might sound weird that you and Rook became a couple who would be corny enough to be cooking pancakes together in the next morning, but honestly, you two were already so used to do so many stupid things together that the attempt to the "flour fight" and to burn the kitchen down wouldn't look so far from what you two were used to do as friends.

You two were now feeding each other with the pancakes you two managed to cook when Slim and Baze joined you in the kitchen.

- Why do you two look so corny today? — Slim asked, slightly confused, Baze looked the same way. — Like, even more than usually.

Both of the boys were used with you two being really really close but that morning the atmosphere around you two were different and it wasn't that hard to notice.

Both you and Rookie smiled at Slim's statement. You really were acting damn corny.

- I don't know... maybe Rook is just too adorable. — you said picking the tip of his nose, and he held your hand and kissed it.

- Am I that high or is my brain sending me weird tips saying that you two are more than friends? — Baze asked, looking at you two like you were both aliens.

- Would that be that weird? — Rook said and touched my nose with his, connecting our lips in a short kiss.

- That's disgustingly adorable. — Slim said smiling.

- But it was actually about time. — Baze stated, and you let your head rest in Rookie's shoulder.

- What is disgustingly adorable? — Colson asked and when he noticed me that close to Rook, he slightly frowned.

- We just saw y/n and Rook kissing. — Slim said. — But it was about time for this two to be together.

- It means a lot that you boys are okay with us. — you said, and Rook wrapped his arms around you from behind, and looked at Colson. The 'get your shit together and start to be nice with my girl or I will kick your ass' look in Rook's eyes, and Colson remained with his broken expression, the same he had last night.

You kissed Rook again and went upstairs to your room for a bit. Some time after, the door opened and the blonde boy entered the division. You avoid to look at him.

- You and Rook, seriously? — he asked. — Is that even a thing?

- Oh he talks now. — you cut the crap. — Let me guess, miss slut snores while she sleeps?

- Cut the fucking drama, y/n. Since when is this going on? — Colson said, now obviously wasted.

‘Now the day bleeds into nightfall, and you're not here to get me through it all’

- Since there's none of your business. — you snap. —What's about all that sudden interest in me? Since I can remember, yesterday you couldn't even look at my face. You didn't think I would just stay here forever waiting and crying because one of my best friends decided that I was better off his life just because of his new whore, did you Kells?

- Don't be so fucking dramatic y/n, it doesn't suit you. — Colson said.

- Dramatic?! You were like a brother to me, you fucking prick! — I shouted. — And suddenly you just cut me out of your fucking life, and now you're telling me to stop being dramatic?! Even if I was screaming my lungs out to express how much of a jerk you are, you wouldn't have the fucking right to tell me I was being dramatic.

- Yeah, yeah of course... — he cut it, with a sarcastic laught. — You are actually telling me that you seriously love Rook. — he kept the sarcastic tone.

- Yes, that's exactly what I am telling you. — you shouted, no doubt in your voice as you let the words out of your mouth. — I do love Rook. He's the best person that I have in my life, because he actually cares about me and he's the sweetest being on this world. And I'm really not interested in hide my feelings for him, and you know why Kells? Because I'm a fucking logical human being who rather be loved than pretend to be an asshole just because he's too afraid to be loved by someone else.

- Don't you fucking lie in my face y/n. — he said coming closer. — Don't you fucking think that I know that you love me?

Coming even more closer, Colson tried to kiss you, but you hurry in pushing him back roughly.

- What the fuck do you think you are?! — you shouted. — Look, if you're done being a fucking jerk get the hell out of my face, and do me a fucking favor and keep your bloody mouth shut next time you see me.

___okay this was a tough one, and I didn’t actually liked the way it ended, but wtv. hope you like it anyway. and yes i will totally change the end as soon as i came up with a better idea ___

12.Nov.19

[lemon-writings]

Playlist: Hamish

The atmosphere of Hamish is best described as “sad, vaguely religious, and dark”, and this playlist conveys that pretty well, in my opinion. 

Happy Pills - Weathers

We can go to my house if you wanna / Hang out in my bedroom, lose your honor / Even if they find us, we're apathetic / And they can't take that away

The voices in my right brain are kinda funny / They tell me "take a deep breath, it's always sunny" / But where I leave the lights on / It's so obvious that my life's pretty plain

Choke - I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

Now shut your dirty mouth / If I could burn this town / I wouldn't hesitate / To smile while you suffocate and die / And that would be just fine / And what a lovely time / That it would surely be / So bite your tongue / And choke yourself to sleep

You get everything you want / And money always talks / To the idiot savants

Daddy Issues - The Neighborhood

I know how much it matters to you / I know that you got daddy issues / And if you were my little girl / I'd do whatever I could do / I'd run away and hide with you / I love that you got daddy issues / And I do too

I keep on trying to let you go / Not even let you know / How I'm getting on / I didn't cry when you left at first / But now that you're dead it hurts / This time I gotta know / Where did my daddy go?

Go ahead and cry little boy / You know that your daddy did too / You know what your mama went through / You gotta let it out soon, just let it out

“From Now On We Are Enemies” - Fall Out Boy

What good comes of something when I'm just the ghost of nothing?

I'm just the man on the balcony singing: / "Nobody will ever remember me, " / Rejoice, rejoice and fall to your knees

Lunatic of a god or a god of a lunatic? / Oh, their faces are dancing / They're dancing til / Til they can't stand it / A composer but never composed / Singing the symphonies of the overdosed / A composer but never composed / Singing: / "I only want what I can't have"

Heralded as a king before I had a birthday / With double digits / Fit the crown to my head but I was only a kid

After the Storm (feat. Tyler, the Creator) - Kali Uchis, Tyler, the Creator, Bootsy Collins 

Whatever goes around eventually comes back to you / So you gotta be careful, baby / And look both ways before you cross my mind

So if you need a hero (if you need a hero) / Just look in the mirror (just look in the mirror) / No one's gonna save you now / So you better save yourself 

I know it's hard / But do you even really try? / Maybe you could understand / When all you had to do was ask / And just open your mind / When everything is passing by / And all you had to do was try / Yeah, all you had to was try

Garbage Bin - Tiny Little Houses

I don't want to go back home / I don't want to see my folks / Just gonna hold my breath and maybe with some time I'll learn to float

I need a little bit of money and a little bit more time / I keep on losing my friends to suicide / And it don't get much better than this / I hate to break it, but, the longer that you try / The less likely that you will make it / I don't want to be alone / I don't want to die at home

I think I’m getting depressed / It’s always me against the world / I’m well aware I’m egocentric / And it’s going to hell

Relapse - Divided By Friday

I don’t wanna be somebody falling into relapse / Every time I see that smile again / I just think of when you said “I love you, / But I don’t think I can be the one.” / And, the truth is, we could’ve been happy, / But you would not believe in me

And, no, I can’t pretend I’m fine / With the life you left behind / Or keep on hoping that you change your mind.

Happy Little Pill - Troye Sivan 

I’ll take a dip into the / Unknown, unknown

Oh, glazed eyes, empty hearts / Buying happy from shopping carts / Nothing but time to kill / Sipping life from bottles / Tight skin, bodyguards / Gucci down the boulevard / Cocaine, dollar bills / And / My happy little pill / Take me away / Dry my eyes / Bring color to my skies / My sweet little pill / Tame my hunger / Lie within / Numb my skin

Bad Blood - Bastille

We were young and drinking in the park / There was nowhere else to go / And you said you always had my back / Oh but how were we to know / That these are the days that bind you together, forever / And these little things define you forever, forever / All this bad blood here, won't you let it dry?

If we're only ever looking back / We will drive ourselves insane / As the friendship goes resentment grows / We will walk our different ways

Mama’s Gun - Glass Animals 

Dirty Dustin, said he saw him / Playing ball with Dizzy Jim / Dizzy Jim had never spoken / Whispered back, "You murdered him" / My heart strings broke and it was me / I pull, they stretch infinitely

Play with me, my love, in the summer sun / I'll be waiting in your favorite Cheshire grin / Lay with me, my dear, in the evening clear / I'll be dreaming in my paper-pale skin

Wires - The Neighborhood

Mr. Know-it-all had his reign and his fall / At least that's what his brain is telling all

If he said "help me kill the president" / I'd say he needs medicine / Sick of screaming "let us in" / The wires got the best of him / All that he invested in goes / Straight to hell, straight to hell

He tells me to be raw / Admits to every little flaw / That never let him sit upon the top / Won't tell me to stop / Thinks that I should be a little cautious / Well, I can tell the wires pulled

I'm having trouble in believing / And I just started seeing / Light at the beginning of the tunnel / But he tells me that I'm dreaming / When he talks I hear his ghosts / Every word they say to me / I just pray the wires aren't coming

Dirty Laundry - Bitter:Sweet

I'm just a bad girl, that's why we get along / Won't make excuses for anything I'm doing wrong / I'll pull the trigger in a flash / Watch out honey, step back

What's the fun in playing it safe? / Think I'd rather misbehave / We're simply mad / Simply mad

DeMarcus Cousins & Ashley - Hobo Johnson

I love breathing, pizza, Santa Claus and Jesus and other things that feel real nice to believe in / I love drinking, but not enough to ever have to go to all those stupid meetings (Let's go)

I love you like the stars love lonely eyes, ah / On seven consecutive Friday nights / I- I love you like the dog hates the leash / And the leash loves the dog, like I love nothing else at all

Father - Hobo Johnson

He told me son beware, of the monsters / That roam the depths of your head / Sometimes they'll make you real sad or / Or real real mad, or real real jealous and / That's real real bad, boy breathe / Nicotine until you fall asleep like all of our family 

My father's married to a shape shifting monster / Who can sometimes take the form / Of a really really really nice woman

Evil Woman - Electric Light Orchestra 

There's a hole in my head where the rain comes in / You took my body and played to win / Ha, ha, woman, it's a cryin' shame / But you ain't got nobody else to blame

Ha, ha, woman, what you gonna do / You destroyed all the virtues that the Lord gave you 

Ha, ha, funny how you broke me up / You made the wine, now you drink the cup / I came runnin' every time you cried / Thought I saw love smilin' in your eyes 

The evil woman (you're an evil woman) / The evil woman

Bang The Doldrums - Fall Out Boy

This city says / Come hell or high water / Well, I'm feeling hot and wet / I can't commit to a thing / Be it heart or hospital

Best friends, ex-friends 'til the end / Better off as lovers and not the other way around / Racing through the city, windows down / In the back of yellow checkered cars

The tombstones were waiting / They were half-engraved / They knew it was over / Just didn't know the date 

Tap Water Drinking - Lewis Del Mar

The night’s getting wobbly / It's seven in the morning / And I should leave you probably / But everything else is boring

I want to drink your water / A tap from the Caribbean / Forbidden fruit's in season / Cherry lips and fresh peaches

Sex in the City - Hobo Johnson

Beautiful people only live in downtown / And midtown and not around where I stay / Is it their brain that really matters / Or their character that flatters / Or dependent on their beautiful face

Wait for It - Leslie Odom Jr. 

Death doesn’t discriminate / Between the sinners / And the saints / It takes and it takes and it takes / And we keep living anyway / We rise and we fall / And we break / And we make our mistakes / And if there’s a reason I’m still alive / When everyone who loves me has died / I’m willing to wait for it 

I am the one thing in life I can control

Hamilton doesn’t hesitate / He exhibits no restraint / He takes and he takes and he takes / And he keeps winning anyway / He changes the game / He plays and he raises the stakes / And if there’s a reason / He seems to thrive when so few survive, then Goddamnit— 

Grave Digger - Matt Maeson 

I can't run to you, father / I need love / I can't talk to you, mother / I know it's got you caught up

But tell me if I run away, how long will I bleed? / So, tell me if I run away, how long will I bleed?

I'll be tryna suck all of the liquid out the dirt / Tryna catch a curve, digging my own grave! / Ooh, mama

Archive - Mal Blum

And the hotel where I slept that night / Was surely haunted, then / Because every hour, I woke up feeling / So watched and wanted and / I think I remember that from when we met / Which feels so insignificant / Or maybe odd now to admit / It's all in retrospect, oh

Pretending I was sane / And giving up / The things I love the most / Because they felt like pain

We don't believe in ghosts and such / We watch the hunt incredulous / But cannot look away

We're gonna die and maybe it's gonna be alone / We're gonna die and maybe it's gonna be alone / And no one will find the things we left behind

Do It All The Time - I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

No need to cry / I'm only doing anything I want to do / Because I do it all the time / (Do it all the time)

Now we're so young / But we're probably gonna die / It's so fun / We're so good at selling lies / We look so good / And we never even try / Get your money from a trust fund / Do it all the time

Pretty Little Head - Eliza Rickman

Hook, line, and sinker / Drop it down to the bottom / Butterfly float, flicker, soar to the top / Kill for the thrill / Cut it, stick it where you got him / Circle Rolling Under, running red to the stop

Boy, where's your mother? / Fall down dead / Dirty mind, dirty mouth, pretty little head / I wish you were here, I wish you'd make my bed / Dirty mind, dirty mouth, pretty little head

Take a breath, my heart, and hold your tongue / It's just a cog in the year of all my love

Peach Scone - Hobo Johnson

They're just really good friends, and that's fine / He understands, it's rational

Hi, what's your name? How are you? How’s your life? / Oh, you got a man? Are you in love? If so, what type? / Is it just platonic, strictly just as friends / Or the type that ties you two together 'til tomorrow’s end? / If it is, disregard every time I call you pretty / Though it’s meant sincerely, it’s just my imagination drifting

And I love the thought of being with you / Or maybe it’s the thought of not being so alone! / Hey, the second one’s way sadder than the first one / But I don’t know

Shit, I love being—I love being loved, but / Don't like crying on the phone 

Wait - The Dear Hunter

I lost my faith when I was young / I clenched my fist to bite my tongue

Then I said wait / Are our bodies really piles of dirt? / And is the soul just a metaphor? / I keep my eyes from looking too far up / I fear that there is a heaven above

I stood in lines to bow my head / I'd fold my hands and speak in tongues / To whisper worries to the dead / But I could tell no apparition heard a single word I said / But I'd still call my fear in to the air

Is my body really part of the earth / And is there blood running through my veins? / I'll know when I turn to dust / But I fear the answer isn't enough / So, will I never know heaven or hell? / Or is eternity something worse?

I hope there's not a heaven above

bury a friend - Billie Eilish 

What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? / What are you wondering? What do you know? / Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? / When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

Today, I'm thinkin' about the things that are deadly / The way I'm drinkin' you down / Like I wanna drown, like I wanna end me

Step on the glass, staple your tongue (Ahh) / Bury a friend, try to wake up (Ah-ahh) / Cannibal class, killing the son (Ahh) / Bury a friend, I wanna end me

It's probably somethin' that shouldn't be said out loud / Honestly, I thought that I would be dead by now (Wow) / Calling security, keepin' my head held down / Bury the hatchet or bury a friend right now

Killer - The Hoosiers

I hate my work, but I'm in control / I'm fearless now, but it cost my soul

Blood red lips, they shake like leaves / You're flesh and blood, but what's underneath?

It's alright to scream, I'm screaming too / Why do you think I do these things I do? / For shadows haunted me like ghosts / So I became what I feared the most / I conduct fear like electricity / A man made monstrosity

This Is Home - Cavetown

Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love but I guess / This avoids the stress of falling out of it / Are you tired of me yet? I'm a little sick right now but I swear / When I'm ready I will fly us out of here

Are you dead? Sometimes I think I'm dead / Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head / But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet

Exit Music (For a Film) - Radiohead

Wake from your sleep / The drying of your tears / Today we escape, we escape / Pack and get dressed / Before your father hears us / Before all hell breaks loose

Breathe, keep breathing / Don't lose your nerve / Breathe, keep breathing / I can't do this alone

And you can laugh a spineless laugh / We hope your rules and wisdom choke you / Now we are one in everlasting peace / We hope that you choke, that you choke

Human - Jon Bellion

There's someone gorgeous in my bed tonight / Yet I'm still petrified that I'll die alone

I'm just so sick of being human

I got no guts to tell the one I love / That she's the reason that I wrote this song / And that's some coward shit, I know it's sus / But Lauren call me when you hear this song

Shrike - Hozier

Words hung above, but never would form / Like a cry at the final breath that is drawn / Remember me, love, when I'm reborn / As a shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn I'd no idea on what ground I was founded / All of that goodness is going with you now / Then when I met you, my virtues uncounted / All of my goodness is going with you now

Jesus Christ - Hobo Johnson

I've been on the wrong side of a bunch of arguments lately / Momma, I may never come home again / Momma said, "There's nothing wrong with being happy" / Happy trails, but Momma, I'm just feeling so alone / Momma said she's busy working, spending time with that other guy / But Momma, I just wanna come home / "But home is where your heart is, boy, at least you've got a phone"

Jesus Christ, you're super nice / But don't expect much from me, I / Would kneel down, but I'm afraid that I would just feel nothing Praise God / And other things that don't make sense to puny minds / Like ours, designing roller coasters that almost always seem to fall apart / Ain't it fun, ain't it fun, ain't it fun

Jesus Christ, you're super nice / I'm sure that you could love me / Even if I don't go to church every Sunday / Jesus Christ, you're super nice / How could you let me burn? / If I'm not murdering people, then smashing their fucking urn